The Power of Music

Every once in a while, I find myself caught completely off guard by a song I hear. I won't even have to hear the song for a flood of memories to rush in and get me reminiscing of a time and place that happened half a life-time ago. Mostly, I think about the people that were in my life... and on occasion one song reminds me of one person along with all of the decisions that were made that helped shape that relationship.

Now, don't get me wrong: A lot of people get this feeling of nostalgia that comes along with hearing an old tune on the radio, but I find myself literally caught off guard, including a rush of emotions that leaves me feeling vulnerable. It's a rather strange feeling.

Even more strange is the thought that hearing a song that was written well-after a time in my past can remind me of a person, and then the song that I associate with that person plays in my head at the same time the newer song is playing... I guess it isn't true what they say: Men DO have a multi-track mind.

Although the person that I'm reminded of will never read this post, I feel compelled to tell a story with as much ambiguity as possible... I know that sucks for the reader, but since there are only 3 people that follow this blog... I think I'm in the clear. ;-)

I'll start off with the song that was written well after the memories I have: The Dillinger Escape Plan's Parasitic Twins. The words have made me think about the same person EVERY TIME I've heard them. What's most astounding about this song is the words just.... remind of things that I should have said, but didn't say... because I didn't know I had a time limit to say them. It's like it's a dying man's lament in regards to the proverbial "shoulda, coulda, woulda." The video I'm attaching isn't a video of the band... but it's portrayed exactly the way that my memory fits the song:



Obviously, the old lady is the "girl" that I'm finding myself thinking about.... She made things for me; Not in the literal sense, but the proverbial. I adored her... Actually loved her... Deeply... and I never told her the depth of my feelings because there was never an appropriate time to do it. As a result, we never dated. What's super strange is I find myself to actually be in this video twice: In one instance, I'm the extraordinarily-tall gentlemen that's dancing and carrying on with the old lady. And in the other, I'm the "bell hop" that's simply watching, even guiding myself in the dream/fantasy that has been created. I can't really interact with myself. One skewed (yet incredibly accurate) detail is that the old lady in the video is how I see the person in my life now... It's like she has aged after the time the memory was created.... but I didn't. That's why this video is so fitting to the song in my head. I didn't age in my memory... but I can't allow her to not age due to the passage of time. She's still beautiful, but the passage of time for her is indicative of not being able to go back and "fix" my mistakes.

Mistakes.

Mistakes is what brings me to the original memory that was created: Cake's Never There. It's the song that was present when I was deeply lamenting over what had happened. The live version is actually better since it's incredibly imperfect... but you can hear John McCrea's voice just so "angry" about what happened. That live voice can't hide what he was able to during the recording of the album... It's true: I was literally angry, and hurt, when my moment had passed and I had done nothing:



Anyway, the passage of time can allow some wounds to heal, but when you hear an old (or newer) song that causes those feelings to rush back and try to tear you apart again. It's agonizing. Don't get me wrong: I love my life now and how it is, but when those feelings from the past rush back in it's incredibly painful despite what the current situation in life is.



Drop a comment if you know what I'm talking about... Or don't.

Self Portraits (are awkward)

Self Portraits always make me nervous... not that I'm not comfortable in front of the camera... not because I don't like the way I look... but because I don't know what expression to make. I believe that in this regard, women must have it easier: Short of doing "the duck face" ladies score an easy win when it comes to selfies. (btw, whomever invented the duck face should be promptly beaten with a stick.) A fantastic example of successful selfies is anything that +Carolina Yocom makes. For me, I feel that I end up being way too serious or completely loony with my intangibly dim-witted smile. Alas... I usually go for "serious."

Today, I was playing with lighting setups a bit and I, of course, was standing by and ready to be my own subject. I always try new lighting setups in the privacy of my own company (I tend to avoid complete humiliation that way) and today I decided to find a use for that blue gel that comes in our strobist kits. You know which blue.... the one that makes even the most boring science lab so interesting you want to jump into the photo and help the chemist mix something in that beaker... But I've been watching more and more film noir lately... I have that "look" in my head. Granted: If I were to completely dump digital and go for this look I'd probably be shunned by the entire photography community again... (what do you mean 'you don't use photoshop but you shoot digital?') Hmm... Maybe that's my next ticket... Ahem.

Anyway I have two treatments of the same photo today and I can't decide which one is "better" so I'm putting it to ya'll.


A)

B)

PS- Yes I love HopeCon, Bettie Page, and this IS my favorite shirt. So... there.

PPS- I treated these in the same way that I do most of my work... My blacks are common, whites are rare, and "black and white conversion" doesn't mean "desaturation."

I struggle with telling a story... OR "f8 and be there" ain't working for me.

(Hey! Look at me! I uploaded a vertical shot!)

I'm not sure what's been wrong with me lately. I feel like I can't create anything new. I feel like I'm not taking steps forward with my photography. I feel like I'm actually moving backwards.

Winter is always the slow season. Everything slows down except for retailers. Since don't normally book any clients for when it's Below Zero in Colorado I decided to start a new project this winter just to keep moving things along... to keep shooting... to try to work on my story telling. I'm starting the project later this week when an awesome model, Melissa, sits down in front of my camera... But I'm feeling like I'm lost. I want to tell the story of someone I've never met, and Melissa is giving me that opportunity. I can't help but to feel that I'm disconnected somehow.... That I'm completely missing something right in front of me.

I finished watching (parts of it...missed the beginning) Chase Jarvis Live for his talk about building a portfolio and getting it reviewed. I really felt that I was on the right track to getting some new work done to be able to send to Zack Arias and Chase Jarvis (and possibly others that have no idea it's coming) in order to see if I had taken a step forward since my creativeLIVE experience (you know, the one I'm always talking about because it was life-changing...). Watching the talk today I realized that even now I have further to go than I thought... That is road I'm on won't lead to being an "expert photographer" until 3 months before I die of old age. I'm going to be struggling with this stupid light-tight box until I'm dead... but for some reason I had the delusions of grandeur that I'd be really good right now. My clients are more than happy... but for me that hasn't been enough. I'm not happy yet. I need to push harder.

Other photographers could hold the measuring stick up to me and I'd fall way short in their eyes. I shoot darker sets... I don't light from every possible angle... I don't want "happy" photos.... I don't shoot photos that are perfect... I don't run them through the photoshop mill until they're unrecognizable. What's worse is that newer photographers think that they're good when they're awful. This new society of photographers is a mess. It's awesome, but everyone thinks that they're the next (your favorite photographer here). Am I awful and I just don't know it? Knowing how exposure works and how to get an image from my camera to print is one thing... but telling a story and communicating what I'm talking about.... it's so much harder. It's become apparent to me that I need to tell more stories... I need the practice... I need the depth in my photos.

Shooting Models isn't going to give me depth in my photos. I need to shoot Actors. Models might be able to stand there and look cute, but I need people who can emote... who can cry... who can feel something while I'm shooting them.

What will help me? I need to find regular people with stories to tell... but most people are SO FREAKING HESITANT to tell their stories! I mean, who wants to tell a story about what they had for breakfast? Who wants to tell a story about how they ripped their jeans on the way to work? Who wants to tell a story about the time that their house got broken into and their hard drives and electronics were stolen of their infant daughter... the same infant that was just diagnosed with a terminal disease? Some stories seem to mundane for people to even remember. Other stories are so painful that they might not want to think about them...

I'm lost. I know what I'm doing, but I don't know what I'm doing. Being able to push a shutter button isn't enough. I'm not moving forward from this point until I figure out where I should be headed.... even if where I'm headed isn't where I end up. I need to do something unexpected.

I feel like Cassandra

It occurred to me while chatting with Daphne Chan that I feel like the Greek Mythology figure, Cassandra. If you haven't read Edith Hamilton's Mythology recently I'll save you the pain-staking detail and relate that Cassandra was a mortal that Apollo found to be quite beautiful. Beautiful enough, in fact, that he gave her the gift of prophesy. When she did not return his love he cursed her so that no one would believe her prophesies. She had predicted the Battle of Troy along with the Greek Deception of the Trojan Horse, but no one would believe her as a part of her blessing with a curse.

(Okay Jeremy, get to the point... You're a nerd and you like Mythology.)


My point is this... I read Zack Arias' latest blog post on the rundown of how to build your book and it reminded me that I promised Zack and Chase that I'd make a book and send it their way... Sort of a "Did I take a step forward this year?" type of thing... I might even send one to David E Jackson while I'm at it... I love that guy. Then I realized that it's been nearly 6 months since the class in Seattle....Already! It's crept up on me like creeps like to do.

It feels like I have made some progress but while going through my work I found that I have holes in my work, but more interestingly I've found that I have extra work that doesn't fit in my book. The above photo (a model by the name of Cassie, btw...she fits well withe the Cassandra story...) doesn't fit anywhere right now. I'm seriously considering shooting more work like this. I LOVE this look.... 1)It's moody as hell. 2)This is the look I get when experimenting. 3)It feels like I'm actually working my ass off to try new things. I really think my photos are awful, but when I hit this type of stride it feels like I'm batting .100 instead of striking out. Grounders to Right Field anyone?

The point is: I don't know what to do with work like this. I don't know where it's going to fit.... but I have this insatiable desire to shoot more of it. More stuff you don't see all the time. I hate the Smiley-Cute-CookieCutter shit. Everyone shoots that. If you hire me to shoot it, I'll totally do it for you and work my ass off for great photos to make you happy...but my soul needs more than that. This work is simple to pull off... but it makes me happy... I'm working at being happy.... and that's so freakin hard.

Do you understand?

Photo 101

I've had a few requests here in Denver to teach a photo workshop. At first, all I could think of is me in a room full of people blabbering endlessly about things that bore the tar out of people. Then, I thought about how much I don't know that I don't know. What I do know is that I have so much further to go. I constantly look up to those further up the food chain that I am in order to learn more. I fired my first off-camera flash to The Strobist Blog. I've watched my copy of the Zack Arias creativeLIVE videos every week since May when I got back from that workshop. I've been relatively diligent about watching Scott Kelby's - The Grid every week as well. Information that David duChemin gives out I eat up like candy on Easter. The truth is I know that I need to give back to newer photographers what's been given to me. I'm not an expert photographer; WPPI hasn't left me a voicemail saying they'd like to have me teach a workshop, but frankly there are people around me that are asking for my help.

That's when it occurred to me: All photographers are looking up for help. The further up they get... the fewer people they can look up to for help, but they're still looking. Secondly, anyone who is teaching a workshop is saying something profound whether they realize it or not. They're saying "This is what I've learned.... so far." I'd bet money that Zack's One Light Workshop was less inclusive and less intensive 5 years ago that it is today. The quality of the workshop has gone up, which means it's increasing in value even as he increases the cost of the workshop. Can I show up and charge $1600 for a photo workshop? Hell No! What I can do is show up and share what I've learned. If it's useful to people than I did something productive. If I share opinions for a few hours I probably should have just had a Google Hangout and talked shop for a bit. (FYI: No one listens to the Pentax Guy while talking shop; I just look weird and antiquated.) I probably know more than I can explain back to someone right now, but I gotta start somewhere.

(Get to the point, Jeremy)

Okay, so I'm writing an outline of what I'd like to teach during a Photo 101 workshop:

1. Photo 101
1. Camera handling
1. What are these stupid buttons for?
2. "P" is not for "Professional"
3. What is necessary versus What is nice to have
2. Exposure Triangle
1. Aperture
2. Shutter Speed
3. ISO
4. Reciprocals
3. Evaluating Exposure
1. Your LCD is not a good tool to evaluate exposure...
2. The Meter
3. The Histogram
4. Glass handling
1. DOF
2. Expansion/Compression
3. Follow rules now, break rules later (aka Don't be Jeremy Corbin)
5. Application
1. How can we put this information into practice?
2. I just assigned you to shoot X, how would you shoot X?
3. Good, now go shoot X and see if your solution worked.
1. Like... right now.... GO!
4. Rinse and Repeat

(Dude! You just gave away your entire outline! Now I'll go start my own workshop!) Sure! Do It! Help People! ... If you really know what you're doing!

As you can see, the target audience is a complete newbie in photography. It makes no assumptions as to the student's level of skill and brings the student up to a knowledgeable but incompetent level. ("Incompetent?" Dude, that's pretty harsh...) Yes it is harsh. You can give someone the technical information about photography but unless they go out and practice the snot out of it (ew... gross visual) the information won't sink in and it'll blow away like a seed in the wind. The seed needs planted, fertilized, and watered for it to become anything productive. Without practicing it's not possible to really understand what the information is.

When I got back from Seattle I completely trashed my portfolio. Zack tore me to shreds... I sucked. I cried. I got home. I made plans.... I shot more... went back to the drawing board.... and repeated that process. Now, hopefully I suck just a little less. In 10 years I hope to not suck anymore. In 20 years I'd like to actually be a good photographer. This whole thing reminds me of a saying I know from a former life:

"The Warrior is a man that dedicates his life to the cause which made him what he is. What governs the Warrior is the foresight that he has to see beyond the present and into the future, beyond the capabilities of those who follow him...."

The saying continues on from there... the "he/she" thing aside what I've been thinking about is substituting the word "Warrior" with the word 'Photographer" so I can apply it to myself in my life now:

"The Photographer is a man that dedicates his life to the cause which made him what he is. What governs the Photographer is the foresight that he has to see beyond the present and into the future, beyond the capabilities of those who follow him...."

I'm looking forward to my teachers just as they are looking forward to theirs. Whose to say that someone can't look forward to me while they're just getting started? The whole cycle sounds like a Win-Win to me.

Anyway, I'm done rambling. I've got to make a shot list so I can show some examples during the class. Models don't usually like to hang out first thing in the morning while I figure out what I'm doing.

I just can't

I'm sitting at my desk on a Saturday night. My lovely wife is asleep in bed only feet from me. 2 of 3 children are asleep in the rooms down the hall. Last.fm is playing "Thursday Radio" which for some God-forsaken reason includes The Blood Brothers. All is quiet, and all is well.

Or is it?

I'm awake, and I'm thinking about how much I want the future to come sooner than it's ready to. I want my photography to be huge... HUGE... I want the honor and prestige it can bring, and I want it now. It's like I want to fast-forward through the waiting to get to the good stuff. It doesn't help that I'm looking through all the photos on facebook that have "Zack Arias" tagged in them.

The man is a legend. He is everything that a man with a good heart aspires to be. I envy him. Not in the WTF way, but really, the life that he has is amazing. I truly wish that I had that life too, but I'm damned sure that he has struggles that he didn't even mention during his Chase Jarvis Live Interview this past summer. I didn't know about many of his struggles until his wife, Meghan, began to tell the Zack and Meghan Love Saga on her blog (my title, not hers).

I just started to think about how all of these details of life can slip through the cracks within seconds of them being made. Then I realized: What business do I have trying to capture moments with my camera if I keep letting go of all the moments around me? I just wanted to slap myself across the face as hard as I could.

In the Onelight DVD at the beginning, Zack is talking about the idea of "fixing it later in Photoshop" is a sign that you're being lazy and mediocre and if you catch yourself doing that you need to slap yourself as hard as you can. I realized that wanting to fast-forward through all of this waiting that I'm being lazy and I'm being mediocre. I need to slap myself. Although Zack was talking about photography, I applied the lesson to myself.

I began to think about how when Brooklynn, my youngest daughter, was born... All I wanted was for her to get just a little bigger so I could talk to her; have a conversation with her. Now she's 5 and she can talk my ear off. She's getting big. Too big. I want her to slow down and stop growing so she can stay 5 forever, but she can't. No matter how hard I try and wish and plead... I can't make her stop growing. In the same way, I can't make time speed up to pass all of the worry...

I know that in my heart I want this adventure of mine to take off and grow, but in order to do that, I'm going to have to let it be what it's going to be. I can shape it, but ultimately all I can do is try to guide it. But I also know in my heart I'm incredibly sad. This is what I should have been doing 15 years ago and I'm just now getting started, but without all of this time passing exactly the way it has I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be sitting as my desk on a Saturday night. My lovely wife wouldn't be sleeping only feet from me. My 2 of 3 children wouldn't be asleep in the rooms just down the hall. Last.fm might be playing Hopesfall on "Thursday Radio" but it just wouldn't be the same.