Every once in a while, I find myself caught completely off guard by a song I hear. I won't even have to hear the song for a flood of memories to rush in and get me reminiscing of a time and place that happened half a life-time ago. Mostly, I think about the people that were in my life... and on occasion one song reminds me of one person along with all of the decisions that were made that helped shape that relationship.
Now, don't get me wrong: A lot of people get this feeling of nostalgia that comes along with hearing an old tune on the radio, but I find myself literally caught off guard, including a rush of emotions that leaves me feeling vulnerable. It's a rather strange feeling.
Even more strange is the thought that hearing a song that was written well-after a time in my past can remind me of a person, and then the song that I associate with that person plays in my head at the same time the newer song is playing... I guess it isn't true what they say: Men DO have a multi-track mind.
Although the person that I'm reminded of will never read this post, I feel compelled to tell a story with as much ambiguity as possible... I know that sucks for the reader, but since there are only 3 people that follow this blog... I think I'm in the clear. ;-)
I'll start off with the song that was written well after the memories I have: The Dillinger Escape Plan's Parasitic Twins. The words have made me think about the same person EVERY TIME I've heard them. What's most astounding about this song is the words just.... remind of things that I should have said, but didn't say... because I didn't know I had a time limit to say them. It's like it's a dying man's lament in regards to the proverbial "shoulda, coulda, woulda." The video I'm attaching isn't a video of the band... but it's portrayed exactly the way that my memory fits the song:
Obviously, the old lady is the "girl" that I'm finding myself thinking about.... She made things for me; Not in the literal sense, but the proverbial. I adored her... Actually loved her... Deeply... and I never told her the depth of my feelings because there was never an appropriate time to do it. As a result, we never dated. What's super strange is I find myself to actually be in this video twice: In one instance, I'm the extraordinarily-tall gentlemen that's dancing and carrying on with the old lady. And in the other, I'm the "bell hop" that's simply watching, even guiding myself in the dream/fantasy that has been created. I can't really interact with myself. One skewed (yet incredibly accurate) detail is that the old lady in the video is how I see the person in my life now... It's like she has aged after the time the memory was created.... but I didn't. That's why this video is so fitting to the song in my head. I didn't age in my memory... but I can't allow her to not age due to the passage of time. She's still beautiful, but the passage of time for her is indicative of not being able to go back and "fix" my mistakes.
Mistakes is what brings me to the original memory that was created: Cake's Never There. It's the song that was present when I was deeply lamenting over what had happened. The live version is actually better since it's incredibly imperfect... but you can hear John McCrea's voice just so "angry" about what happened. That live voice can't hide what he was able to during the recording of the album... It's true: I was literally angry, and hurt, when my moment had passed and I had done nothing:
Anyway, the passage of time can allow some wounds to heal, but when you hear an old (or newer) song that causes those feelings to rush back and try to tear you apart again. It's agonizing. Don't get me wrong: I love my life now and how it is, but when those feelings from the past rush back in it's incredibly painful despite what the current situation in life is.
Drop a comment if you know what I'm talking about... Or don't.