Every once in a while, I find myself caught completely off guard by a song I hear. I won't even have to hear the song for a flood of memories to rush in and get me reminiscing of a time and place that happened half a life-time ago. Mostly, I think about the people that were in my life... and on occasion one song reminds me of one person along with all of the decisions that were made that helped shape that relationship.
Now, don't get me wrong: A lot of people get this feeling of nostalgia that comes along with hearing an old tune on the radio, but I find myself literally caught off guard, including a rush of emotions that leaves me feeling vulnerable. It's a rather strange feeling.
Even more strange is the thought that hearing a song that was written well-after a time in my past can remind me of a person, and then the song that I associate with that person plays in my head at the same time the newer song is playing... I guess it isn't true what they say: Men DO have a multi-track mind.
Although the person that I'm reminded of will never read this post, I feel compelled to tell a story with as much ambiguity as possible... I know that sucks for the reader, but since there are only 3 people that follow this blog... I think I'm in the clear. ;-)
I'll start off with the song that was written well after the memories I have: The Dillinger Escape Plan's Parasitic Twins. The words have made me think about the same person EVERY TIME I've heard them. What's most astounding about this song is the words just.... remind of things that I should have said, but didn't say... because I didn't know I had a time limit to say them. It's like it's a dying man's lament in regards to the proverbial "shoulda, coulda, woulda." The video I'm attaching isn't a video of the band... but it's portrayed exactly the way that my memory fits the song:
Obviously, the old lady is the "girl" that I'm finding myself thinking about.... She made things for me; Not in the literal sense, but the proverbial. I adored her... Actually loved her... Deeply... and I never told her the depth of my feelings because there was never an appropriate time to do it. As a result, we never dated. What's super strange is I find myself to actually be in this video twice: In one instance, I'm the extraordinarily-tall gentlemen that's dancing and carrying on with the old lady. And in the other, I'm the "bell hop" that's simply watching, even guiding myself in the dream/fantasy that has been created. I can't really interact with myself. One skewed (yet incredibly accurate) detail is that the old lady in the video is how I see the person in my life now... It's like she has aged after the time the memory was created.... but I didn't. That's why this video is so fitting to the song in my head. I didn't age in my memory... but I can't allow her to not age due to the passage of time. She's still beautiful, but the passage of time for her is indicative of not being able to go back and "fix" my mistakes.
Mistakes.
Mistakes is what brings me to the original memory that was created: Cake's Never There. It's the song that was present when I was deeply lamenting over what had happened. The live version is actually better since it's incredibly imperfect... but you can hear John McCrea's voice just so "angry" about what happened. That live voice can't hide what he was able to during the recording of the album... It's true: I was literally angry, and hurt, when my moment had passed and I had done nothing:
Anyway, the passage of time can allow some wounds to heal, but when you hear an old (or newer) song that causes those feelings to rush back and try to tear you apart again. It's agonizing. Don't get me wrong: I love my life now and how it is, but when those feelings from the past rush back in it's incredibly painful despite what the current situation in life is.
Drop a comment if you know what I'm talking about... Or don't.
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Stagnation
I'd love to pretend that I'm the too-big-for-my-britches fancy-schmancy photographer that declares each project or job they've completed was a total success on facebook and other social media... but I can't.
I'd love to post 4 beautifully lit shots with a background story with this post... but I can't.
I haven't even been shooting much on my phone let alone anything proper.
I can't lie to myself and I can't lie to you: I haven't been shooting because I've been depressed... and I've been depressed because I haven't been shooting. I'm exceedingly aware of this detrimental reciprocity but I can't seem to pull out of it. It's certainly not due to a lack of trying; Plans and Shoots keep falling apart. Scheduling issues and not feeling well have been contributing to the issue as well. Grandparents have died, loved-ones are getting cancer, memories of disappointing old teachers...
So what's happening with me?
Did I define my niche' so well that the right client is as rare as triple rainbows?
Did I price myself so that I no longer lose money on each job only to discover that now no one can afford me?
Do I really suck at photography as much as the voice in my head says I do?
Did I decide to make work that's so random that it's not meant for general consumption?
It's quite the conundrum: On one hand, I'd love to be so busy with work that everyone books me for everything like I'm a brand-new photographer doing family sessions for $25 including a DVD of 1000 images... BUT... on the other hand I want my work to be paced properly and high-quality like the client just paid me $1000 for a single print on their wall. Does the price I place myself at matter as much as the work I make? Not at all, but watching social media lately it looks like everyone is suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder.
I'm beginning to see why photographers just shoot for themselves and declare to the world that they're Fine Art Photographers instead of trying to wrangle in clients that don't really "fit" their niche'... That sounds lovely right now: Paying subjects to sit down and be patient with me while I extract photos from idea precipitate, then sell huge, limited-edition prints of the work at the Artist's Market or consignment walls at the local pub to the correct client. Complete control over my process would be amazing.... Complete control over my life would be amazing.... but that's not what I have. That's not what any of us have. I have to make my time away from my family count for something and that means getting compensated in a way that's easy to calculate in US Dollars.
If you've made it this far through the post maybe you feel the same way about something in your own life. Most people keep these negative thoughts in their own head but I've been doing that for months and it hasn't been helping. I'd rather be complete honest about myself than pretend that I'm something that I'm not. "You shouldn't say that stuff because it's bad for your business!" Sure... Maybe... But if I'm lying to everyone about how awesome my life is isn't that just as bad?
Its time for a change. I'm off to schedule something awesome in hopes that it pans out.
What are you going to change in your own situation?
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Selfie Challenge!!!! #3
Imagine that Voice-Over-Guy that does work for the Movies...
The Self Portrait Challenge.... One Man.... One Woman... taking photos of themselves....
Okay... that's enough of that.
Last Week, Carolina posted a lovely mirror shot, per my request. You can see the results of that photo here: Self Portrait Challenge, Round 2
Her Challenge in response to mine? "A photo booth type series with a different emotion in each photo."
Brutal. Showing emotions is really hard for me... Being happy is great and all, but showing other emotions honestly, and in public, can be really hard. It reminded me of the Japanese and how they have one "mask" that they put on at work and something else when they're being truthful... It's called Honne and Tatemae. You can read about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honne_and_tatemae
Anyway, with that in mind, and the fake emotions we put on, here is this week's submission:
The Self Portrait Challenge.... One Man.... One Woman... taking photos of themselves....
Okay... that's enough of that.
Last Week, Carolina posted a lovely mirror shot, per my request. You can see the results of that photo here: Self Portrait Challenge, Round 2
Her Challenge in response to mine? "A photo booth type series with a different emotion in each photo."
Brutal. Showing emotions is really hard for me... Being happy is great and all, but showing other emotions honestly, and in public, can be really hard. It reminded me of the Japanese and how they have one "mask" that they put on at work and something else when they're being truthful... It's called Honne and Tatemae. You can read about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honne_and_tatemae
Anyway, with that in mind, and the fake emotions we put on, here is this week's submission:
Emote
Friday, March 9, 2012
It's not on the back burner...
Hello all 3 of you!
Begin Transparency:
It's been a stressful week. Those of you that are in-the-know know that I started a new day job this week. I know, some of you are thinking,"Aren't you a badass, full-time photographer?" Sadly, no. I have two other jobs in addition to photography. Why? Cause I'm still growing my business at a pace that allows my family to ... ya know... EAT.
When I was a bachelor, things were way easier to budget: I didn't have to feed small humans that can't get a job and feed themselves. If I were a bachelor I could probably afford to eat Ramen and slave away myself into starvation in the name of making are and fulfilling my dream. Since I love my wife and kids more than anything it means I have to do things that I don't really want to do in order to feed them.
Don't get me wrong: I like my new day-job (and to a much lesser extent, my other day job) and I'll work my ass off for them... but I see it as allowing me the pay off my student loan and other crappy bills so that I can leave all of it behind when I can finally quit everything else. In the meantime, I can shoot as my schedule allows, build a client base, and feed the kids.
There's this taboo out there that photographers can't admit that they have other things paying bills on the side.... Maybe I'm wrong about being transparent, but I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. I'm just like everyone else trying to get by.... The difference is my Number One priority for my photography to feed my soul... Number Two is getting paid. I'm not about to take shitty jobs that I don't like just to make money. Fuck That. (Sorry if you're not a fan of using swear-words to create emphasis.) I would rather be poor and happy with my work than rich and hate where I am. That's precisely why I'm not a wedding photographer. I love my wedding-photo buddies, but I couldn't do that full time.
Anyway, where I am today should look nothing like where I'll be in 2-3 years, or 8-10 years. I'm going to be a full time photographer and not rely on Ramen to feed my family. I need to build up my business and know that my clients are getting a huge value from my work. They value my work. They buy my prints. They share me with their friends. They book me again and again. All because I put my LIFE into my work. That blood, sweat, and tears gets poured into my work in a way that my new bosses only dream I could do for them. People spend money and time on what they value: I value my goals more than most. More on that some other time.
Anyway, to all of you doing shit you have to do in order to do shit you love to do... Cheers! I'm with you.
End Transparency.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
September 11, 2001
I still remember where I was on September 11, 2001: I lived in Greeley, CO at that time. I remember coming downstairs after sleeping in late and saying "Good Morning" to my roommate, Chris.
He said,"Turn on the news."
I asked,"What channel?"
He replied,"It doesn't matter."
For the next week I watched the news almost non-stop. I could sleep, but it was never restful. I could eat but nothing tasted good. I went to class, but I wasn't present. The experience of "9/11" as it's come to be known commonly had happened thousands of miles away, but it felt like it happened just down the street from me.
I felt for the victims of 9/11 the only way that I knew how. It's impossible for me, even now, to properly empathize with those directly and irrevocably affected by 9/11. I can't imagine losing a loved one as instantly as they did, let alone as gruesomely.
As the years passed since that fateful day, I accepted the idea that terrorists hijacked planes with hundreds of people on board and flew them at top speed into buildings with thousands of people inside and that those buildings were severely damaged or destroyed. Thousands of people died needlessly. Firefighters, Police, and Rescue Crews died attempting to save those lives. Some of them are still dying slowly today from toxins in the air during the experience. I accepted it because we all saw it on tv, but earlier this year as the 10-year anniversary of the event drew near I had an Orson Welles / War Of The Worlds moment: I hadn't realized that it might not be the truth; That it might be a radio drama. I saw something that made me not believe the commonly held idea anymore. Not 100% anyway.
Little-by-little I believed less and less in the idea. After an eight-hour time vortex lost into the abyss of YouTube, I found myself thinking differently. Suddenly, after all this time, I no longer accepted the commonly held idea anymore. Now, all I knew is that buildings with thousands of people in them were severely damaged or destroyed; Thousands of people died needlessly. Firefighters, Police, and Rescue Crews died attempting to save those lives. Some of them are still dying slowly today from toxins in the air during the experience.
I told my wife what I had been doing for the passed 8 hours while she was at work and she looked at me like I was a complete lunatic. Then I showed her what I has seen...
Then I said,"It's not that it didn't happen... it's that it's plausible that it didn't happen the way we've been lead to believe." Immediately she understood why I was telling her what I had found.
She knew at that moment that I was scared. Scared that we were trapped. Lied to. Cheated on. Betrayed, even.
I'm still scared. I'm scared that this view is so completely unpopular that I'm going to viewed as Un-Patriotic... Un-American... when the fact is that I love my country. I love the people in it. I love those that not only fight for my freedoms that I enjoy but also those that lay down their lives to ensure that I have it. I love my family and friends that have gone overseas and left their families behind to fight for my freedom. It's hard to describe exactly how much I feel I owe them for fighting for this country, for my freedom, for my family, and for me.
Now, please keep in mind that I'm not one to just stand up and start insulting people by flinging accusations around. I love a good debate as much as the next guy, but I feel like I'm accusing the government and the media of not being entirely truthful. That's an awful feeling. We live here and we're supposed to trust our government, but right now I feel like I'm having a hard time doing that. I'm not saying that it didn't happen... I'm just saying that I have questions.... I have doubts.... and I need those questions to be answered truthfully.... and I need those doubts to be resolved. I believe that enough time has passed that we can safely allow a real congressional or independent 3rd party (another country?) investigation to take place without revealing the identities of our agents in the field. The last thing I want is for anyone else to die needlessly because their cover was blown like a secret agent movie. The NIST investigation couldn't be completed successfully due to the our agents in the field and other information that, if leaked, could compromise our country's security. Enough time has passed and I think we deserve more complete answers.
Truthfully, I'm afraid of what making this post means. I'm afraid of who will judge me or think I'm another conspiracy theorist. I'm not a bad person, I just want answers... completely and truthful answers. I'm not signing petitions or going door-to-door. I'm not traveling to Washington DC and picketing on the Whitehouse lawn. I'm just sitting at home... waiting for complete and truthful answers.
He said,"Turn on the news."
I asked,"What channel?"
He replied,"It doesn't matter."
For the next week I watched the news almost non-stop. I could sleep, but it was never restful. I could eat but nothing tasted good. I went to class, but I wasn't present. The experience of "9/11" as it's come to be known commonly had happened thousands of miles away, but it felt like it happened just down the street from me.
I felt for the victims of 9/11 the only way that I knew how. It's impossible for me, even now, to properly empathize with those directly and irrevocably affected by 9/11. I can't imagine losing a loved one as instantly as they did, let alone as gruesomely.
As the years passed since that fateful day, I accepted the idea that terrorists hijacked planes with hundreds of people on board and flew them at top speed into buildings with thousands of people inside and that those buildings were severely damaged or destroyed. Thousands of people died needlessly. Firefighters, Police, and Rescue Crews died attempting to save those lives. Some of them are still dying slowly today from toxins in the air during the experience. I accepted it because we all saw it on tv, but earlier this year as the 10-year anniversary of the event drew near I had an Orson Welles / War Of The Worlds moment: I hadn't realized that it might not be the truth; That it might be a radio drama. I saw something that made me not believe the commonly held idea anymore. Not 100% anyway.
Little-by-little I believed less and less in the idea. After an eight-hour time vortex lost into the abyss of YouTube, I found myself thinking differently. Suddenly, after all this time, I no longer accepted the commonly held idea anymore. Now, all I knew is that buildings with thousands of people in them were severely damaged or destroyed; Thousands of people died needlessly. Firefighters, Police, and Rescue Crews died attempting to save those lives. Some of them are still dying slowly today from toxins in the air during the experience.
I told my wife what I had been doing for the passed 8 hours while she was at work and she looked at me like I was a complete lunatic. Then I showed her what I has seen...
Then I said,"It's not that it didn't happen... it's that it's plausible that it didn't happen the way we've been lead to believe." Immediately she understood why I was telling her what I had found.
She knew at that moment that I was scared. Scared that we were trapped. Lied to. Cheated on. Betrayed, even.
I'm still scared. I'm scared that this view is so completely unpopular that I'm going to viewed as Un-Patriotic... Un-American... when the fact is that I love my country. I love the people in it. I love those that not only fight for my freedoms that I enjoy but also those that lay down their lives to ensure that I have it. I love my family and friends that have gone overseas and left their families behind to fight for my freedom. It's hard to describe exactly how much I feel I owe them for fighting for this country, for my freedom, for my family, and for me.
Now, please keep in mind that I'm not one to just stand up and start insulting people by flinging accusations around. I love a good debate as much as the next guy, but I feel like I'm accusing the government and the media of not being entirely truthful. That's an awful feeling. We live here and we're supposed to trust our government, but right now I feel like I'm having a hard time doing that. I'm not saying that it didn't happen... I'm just saying that I have questions.... I have doubts.... and I need those questions to be answered truthfully.... and I need those doubts to be resolved. I believe that enough time has passed that we can safely allow a real congressional or independent 3rd party (another country?) investigation to take place without revealing the identities of our agents in the field. The last thing I want is for anyone else to die needlessly because their cover was blown like a secret agent movie. The NIST investigation couldn't be completed successfully due to the our agents in the field and other information that, if leaked, could compromise our country's security. Enough time has passed and I think we deserve more complete answers.
Truthfully, I'm afraid of what making this post means. I'm afraid of who will judge me or think I'm another conspiracy theorist. I'm not a bad person, I just want answers... completely and truthful answers. I'm not signing petitions or going door-to-door. I'm not traveling to Washington DC and picketing on the Whitehouse lawn. I'm just sitting at home... waiting for complete and truthful answers.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)