I struggle with telling a story... OR "f8 and be there" ain't working for me.

(Hey! Look at me! I uploaded a vertical shot!)

I'm not sure what's been wrong with me lately. I feel like I can't create anything new. I feel like I'm not taking steps forward with my photography. I feel like I'm actually moving backwards.

Winter is always the slow season. Everything slows down except for retailers. Since don't normally book any clients for when it's Below Zero in Colorado I decided to start a new project this winter just to keep moving things along... to keep shooting... to try to work on my story telling. I'm starting the project later this week when an awesome model, Melissa, sits down in front of my camera... But I'm feeling like I'm lost. I want to tell the story of someone I've never met, and Melissa is giving me that opportunity. I can't help but to feel that I'm disconnected somehow.... That I'm completely missing something right in front of me.

I finished watching (parts of it...missed the beginning) Chase Jarvis Live for his talk about building a portfolio and getting it reviewed. I really felt that I was on the right track to getting some new work done to be able to send to Zack Arias and Chase Jarvis (and possibly others that have no idea it's coming) in order to see if I had taken a step forward since my creativeLIVE experience (you know, the one I'm always talking about because it was life-changing...). Watching the talk today I realized that even now I have further to go than I thought... That is road I'm on won't lead to being an "expert photographer" until 3 months before I die of old age. I'm going to be struggling with this stupid light-tight box until I'm dead... but for some reason I had the delusions of grandeur that I'd be really good right now. My clients are more than happy... but for me that hasn't been enough. I'm not happy yet. I need to push harder.

Other photographers could hold the measuring stick up to me and I'd fall way short in their eyes. I shoot darker sets... I don't light from every possible angle... I don't want "happy" photos.... I don't shoot photos that are perfect... I don't run them through the photoshop mill until they're unrecognizable. What's worse is that newer photographers think that they're good when they're awful. This new society of photographers is a mess. It's awesome, but everyone thinks that they're the next (your favorite photographer here). Am I awful and I just don't know it? Knowing how exposure works and how to get an image from my camera to print is one thing... but telling a story and communicating what I'm talking about.... it's so much harder. It's become apparent to me that I need to tell more stories... I need the practice... I need the depth in my photos.

Shooting Models isn't going to give me depth in my photos. I need to shoot Actors. Models might be able to stand there and look cute, but I need people who can emote... who can cry... who can feel something while I'm shooting them.

What will help me? I need to find regular people with stories to tell... but most people are SO FREAKING HESITANT to tell their stories! I mean, who wants to tell a story about what they had for breakfast? Who wants to tell a story about how they ripped their jeans on the way to work? Who wants to tell a story about the time that their house got broken into and their hard drives and electronics were stolen of their infant daughter... the same infant that was just diagnosed with a terminal disease? Some stories seem to mundane for people to even remember. Other stories are so painful that they might not want to think about them...

I'm lost. I know what I'm doing, but I don't know what I'm doing. Being able to push a shutter button isn't enough. I'm not moving forward from this point until I figure out where I should be headed.... even if where I'm headed isn't where I end up. I need to do something unexpected.

Soft Spot

Quick blog post tonight.

I few moments ago... I was completely compelled to go watch my kids as they slept. I haven't really done that in a long time, but for whatever reason... I just had to.

When Brooklynn was born, I remember being in the hospital holding her. Caitlyn was resting and recovering from her epidural (too much, too fast... stitches...) and I was holding Brooklynn in a little chair that was off to the side. She was sound asleep.

The thing about Brooklynn: I knew her name before I met her mother. I would imagine what she would look like. What she would think is funny. Who she would fall in love with. Everything I possibly could in as minute detail as I could. As I looked down at her sleeping in my arms I would just sing to her. Softly. More like a barely audible hum, really. I would hum Ravel to her. Pavane pour une infante défunte to be specific. Although it's a piece that holds grave meaning I took creative license on it. To me, for Brook, it's a beautiful piece that's full of life and meaning.... It's more like she's sleeping... because it's the only time I've hummed it to her.

 

I have a piece for Riley as well, also from Ravel... Bolero. I've also never hummed it to him while he was awake. He's so different than Brook. He's quiet. Witty. Kind. He's.... Me... when I was small at least. I imagine that I'm still that way... deep down where no one really knows me. I fight and lie to everyone and tell them that I'm extroverted... but really I'm so shy. It's actually painful, really. Riley, I hope, will know when to speak up and know when to listen. I hope he says that things that he needs to when he needs to say them.

 

Mackenzie I struggle with. She fights me. Tells me I'm wrong. How much better her mother can do something. That she doesn't need me. I'm not quite sure where her mother ends and she begins. It's frustrating and sad at the same time. I had to fight to get to see her as much as I do, but 4 days every two weeks.... it's just not enough. I miss her and it feels like I barely know her. I didn't get the chance to hum her a tune. I didn't get the chance to hold her as an infant. That time with her was never there for me to take advantage of. I know that I can't go back in time and do those things so instead I focus on the future... but it seems so less sure...less steady... less predictable than the other two. I'm not scared for her.... I'm scared for me. It seems selfish, but I know she'll be fine. I'm fearful of how much she might not need me.

So my short blog post turned into a longer one, but that's okay. It feels rather nice just to let it out. Don't tell Caitlyn, though..... She'll think I'm going soft.