I struggle with telling a story... OR "f8 and be there" ain't working for me.

(Hey! Look at me! I uploaded a vertical shot!)

I'm not sure what's been wrong with me lately. I feel like I can't create anything new. I feel like I'm not taking steps forward with my photography. I feel like I'm actually moving backwards.

Winter is always the slow season. Everything slows down except for retailers. Since don't normally book any clients for when it's Below Zero in Colorado I decided to start a new project this winter just to keep moving things along... to keep shooting... to try to work on my story telling. I'm starting the project later this week when an awesome model, Melissa, sits down in front of my camera... But I'm feeling like I'm lost. I want to tell the story of someone I've never met, and Melissa is giving me that opportunity. I can't help but to feel that I'm disconnected somehow.... That I'm completely missing something right in front of me.

I finished watching (parts of it...missed the beginning) Chase Jarvis Live for his talk about building a portfolio and getting it reviewed. I really felt that I was on the right track to getting some new work done to be able to send to Zack Arias and Chase Jarvis (and possibly others that have no idea it's coming) in order to see if I had taken a step forward since my creativeLIVE experience (you know, the one I'm always talking about because it was life-changing...). Watching the talk today I realized that even now I have further to go than I thought... That is road I'm on won't lead to being an "expert photographer" until 3 months before I die of old age. I'm going to be struggling with this stupid light-tight box until I'm dead... but for some reason I had the delusions of grandeur that I'd be really good right now. My clients are more than happy... but for me that hasn't been enough. I'm not happy yet. I need to push harder.

Other photographers could hold the measuring stick up to me and I'd fall way short in their eyes. I shoot darker sets... I don't light from every possible angle... I don't want "happy" photos.... I don't shoot photos that are perfect... I don't run them through the photoshop mill until they're unrecognizable. What's worse is that newer photographers think that they're good when they're awful. This new society of photographers is a mess. It's awesome, but everyone thinks that they're the next (your favorite photographer here). Am I awful and I just don't know it? Knowing how exposure works and how to get an image from my camera to print is one thing... but telling a story and communicating what I'm talking about.... it's so much harder. It's become apparent to me that I need to tell more stories... I need the practice... I need the depth in my photos.

Shooting Models isn't going to give me depth in my photos. I need to shoot Actors. Models might be able to stand there and look cute, but I need people who can emote... who can cry... who can feel something while I'm shooting them.

What will help me? I need to find regular people with stories to tell... but most people are SO FREAKING HESITANT to tell their stories! I mean, who wants to tell a story about what they had for breakfast? Who wants to tell a story about how they ripped their jeans on the way to work? Who wants to tell a story about the time that their house got broken into and their hard drives and electronics were stolen of their infant daughter... the same infant that was just diagnosed with a terminal disease? Some stories seem to mundane for people to even remember. Other stories are so painful that they might not want to think about them...

I'm lost. I know what I'm doing, but I don't know what I'm doing. Being able to push a shutter button isn't enough. I'm not moving forward from this point until I figure out where I should be headed.... even if where I'm headed isn't where I end up. I need to do something unexpected.

September 11, 2001

I still remember where I was on September 11, 2001: I lived in Greeley, CO at that time. I remember coming downstairs after sleeping in late and saying "Good Morning" to my roommate, Chris.

He said,"Turn on the news."

I asked,"What channel?"

He replied,"It doesn't matter."

For the next week I watched the news almost non-stop. I could sleep, but it was never restful. I could eat but nothing tasted good. I went to class, but I wasn't present. The experience of "9/11" as it's come to be known commonly had happened thousands of miles away, but it felt like it happened just down the street from me.

I felt for the victims of 9/11 the only way that I knew how. It's impossible for me, even now, to properly empathize with those directly and irrevocably affected by 9/11. I can't imagine losing a loved one as instantly as they did, let alone as gruesomely.

As the years passed since that fateful day, I accepted the idea that terrorists hijacked planes with hundreds of people on board and flew them at top speed into buildings with thousands of people inside and that those buildings were severely damaged or destroyed. Thousands of people died needlessly. Firefighters, Police, and Rescue Crews died attempting to save those lives. Some of them are still dying slowly today from toxins in the air during the experience. I accepted it because we all saw it on tv, but earlier this year as the 10-year anniversary of the event drew near I had an Orson Welles / War Of The Worlds moment: I hadn't realized that it might not be the truth; That it might be a radio drama. I saw something that made me not believe the commonly held idea anymore. Not 100% anyway.

Little-by-little I believed less and less in the idea. After an eight-hour time vortex lost into the abyss of YouTube, I found myself thinking differently. Suddenly, after all this time, I no longer accepted the commonly held idea anymore. Now, all I knew is that buildings with thousands of people in them were severely damaged or destroyed; Thousands of people died needlessly. Firefighters, Police, and Rescue Crews died attempting to save those lives. Some of them are still dying slowly today from toxins in the air during the experience.

I told my wife what I had been doing for the passed 8 hours while she was at work and she looked at me like I was a complete lunatic. Then I showed her what I has seen...

Then I said,"It's not that it didn't happen... it's that it's plausible that it didn't happen the way we've been lead to believe." Immediately she understood why I was telling her what I had found.

She knew at that moment that I was scared. Scared that we were trapped. Lied to. Cheated on. Betrayed, even.

I'm still scared. I'm scared that this view is so completely unpopular that I'm going to viewed as Un-Patriotic... Un-American... when the fact is that I love my country. I love the people in it. I love those that not only fight for my freedoms that I enjoy but also those that lay down their lives to ensure that I have it. I love my family and friends that have gone overseas and left their families behind to fight for my freedom. It's hard to describe exactly how much I feel I owe them for fighting for this country, for my freedom, for my family, and for me.

Now, please keep in mind that I'm not one to just stand up and start insulting people by flinging accusations around. I love a good debate as much as the next guy, but I feel like I'm accusing the government and the media of not being entirely truthful. That's an awful feeling. We live here and we're supposed to trust our government, but right now I feel like I'm having a hard time doing that. I'm not saying that it didn't happen... I'm just saying that I have questions.... I have doubts.... and I need those questions to be answered truthfully.... and I need those doubts to be resolved. I believe that enough time has passed that we can safely allow a real congressional or independent 3rd party (another country?) investigation to take place without revealing the identities of our agents in the field. The last thing I want is for anyone else to die needlessly because their cover was blown like a secret agent movie. The NIST investigation couldn't be completed successfully due to the our agents in the field and other information that, if leaked, could compromise our country's security. Enough time has passed and I think we deserve more complete answers.

Truthfully, I'm afraid of what making this post means. I'm afraid of who will judge me or think I'm another conspiracy theorist. I'm not a bad person, I just want answers... completely and truthful answers. I'm not signing petitions or going door-to-door. I'm not traveling to Washington DC and picketing on the Whitehouse lawn. I'm just sitting at home... waiting for complete and truthful answers.

My Goals

It came to me that I should make goals and see if I can get them accomplished. So in no particular order, here's what I'm thinking:

1)Get my name out there.
2)Get a less-frustrating lens.
3)Get an Alien Bee.
4)Get a better camera body.
5)Get better at client relationships.
6)Perfect my work flow.
7)Find my niche.
8)Find cool locations.
9)Not get arrested (see #8)
10)Provide for my family well enough to become Full Time.

I figure all of those are going to be hard, so this isn't a goal for the next 3 months. I'll be happy if I can accomplish most of that list in 3 years. I think I should start posting a photo with each post, but I'll have to get my internet at home turned back on... That's where my pictures are.

My ex-whatever-she-is and I had a court appearance yesterday. Custody and Visitation is a really ugly thing. I don't agree with what she's doing any more than she agrees with what I'm doing. At least we got child support fixed last month. It'll be nice to not feel crushed financially. Now I'm just going to feel uncomfortably squeezed between two sumo wrestlers.

What's my third thing for today....? Oh, I saw some interest from a few marketing lures I put out there. By marketing lures.... uh... I mean that I announced my business page on Facebook to my friends. I know... I'm quite the marketing genius.... Or so incredibly scared that I made the page 3 months ago and just now showed my friends... Seriously. What am I afraid of?