I few moments ago... I was completely compelled to go watch my kids as they slept. I haven't really done that in a long time, but for whatever reason... I just had to.
When Brooklynn was born, I remember being in the hospital holding her. Caitlyn was resting and recovering from her epidural (too much, too fast... stitches...) and I was holding Brooklynn in a little chair that was off to the side. She was sound asleep.
The thing about Brooklynn: I knew her name before I met her mother. I would imagine what she would look like. What she would think is funny. Who she would fall in love with. Everything I possibly could in as minute detail as I could. As I looked down at her sleeping in my arms I would just sing to her. Softly. More like a barely audible hum, really. I would hum Ravel to her. Pavane pour une infante défunte to be specific. Although it's a piece that holds grave meaning I took creative license on it. To me, for Brook, it's a beautiful piece that's full of life and meaning.... It's more like she's sleeping... because it's the only time I've hummed it to her.
I have a piece for Riley as well, also from Ravel... Bolero. I've also never hummed it to him while he was awake. He's so different than Brook. He's quiet. Witty. Kind. He's.... Me... when I was small at least. I imagine that I'm still that way... deep down where no one really knows me. I fight and lie to everyone and tell them that I'm extroverted... but really I'm so shy. It's actually painful, really. Riley, I hope, will know when to speak up and know when to listen. I hope he says that things that he needs to when he needs to say them.
Mackenzie I struggle with. She fights me. Tells me I'm wrong. How much better her mother can do something. That she doesn't need me. I'm not quite sure where her mother ends and she begins. It's frustrating and sad at the same time. I had to fight to get to see her as much as I do, but 4 days every two weeks.... it's just not enough. I miss her and it feels like I barely know her. I didn't get the chance to hum her a tune. I didn't get the chance to hold her as an infant. That time with her was never there for me to take advantage of. I know that I can't go back in time and do those things so instead I focus on the future... but it seems so less sure...less steady... less predictable than the other two. I'm not scared for her.... I'm scared for me. It seems selfish, but I know she'll be fine. I'm fearful of how much she might not need me.
So my short blog post turned into a longer one, but that's okay. It feels rather nice just to let it out. Don't tell Caitlyn, though..... She'll think I'm going soft.
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